May 19th 2013.
A year ago today I was happy. Not the sort of happy that I have made myself to be the last 8 months and 28 days. But a happiness that I knew. Here’s to at least being able to see you tonight.
Love you, good night.
ramble ramble ramble blah blah blah
je ne pense que vous réalisez que l’amour, pour moi, ne va pas simplement se lever congé annonce. ou que les mauvais s’en remettre ou ne pas avoir ces sentiments plus, alors quand je demande si vous pensez encore que de moi ce n’est pas pour essayer de raviver vos sentiments pour moi its pour moi de voir où i se démarque vraiment dans votre vie. cinq années trois mois et un jour pour arriver au point de l’amour et au-dessus
six mois pour passer à la suivante. Je sais que vous vous souciez peut-être, mais c’est tout ce qui a jamais été. un véritable soin pour un autre être humain n’est pas un amour romantique. vous m’avez toujours accusé d’être utilisé pour ne pas en amour avec, peut-être que vous avez été de me laisser klnow le sentiment que vous vraiment eu. ce n’est pas ment à décoder si vous le faites et vous offensé par cette amm i désolé. la vérité est je ne suis pas sûr que je vais jamais être en mesure de s’ouvrir à un autre être humain la façon dont je l’ai fait avec vous. de sorte qu’au lieu de trouver une nouvelle oreille parler trop j’ai par mes rencontres soi-même et me vider la tête.
Your dagger hurt most as it entered my back. But it stays there, so at the very least I can keep that with me forever.
love dont pay the bills&money cant buy happiness.
hopes of having a family have vanished from my mind set, people might say that’s a bit far fetched, but that’s how i see things now. in November moms made a remark along the lines of ” you’ll see when you have a son” and i had to break the news to her, ” mom im never having a kid, im sorry but you wont have grand children from me” she looked at me and could tell that i wasn’t joking with what i said. i used to be sure of what i wanted long term wise, a boy and a girl. a wife and a home. now, nothing. i mean i still want things but not anything in that sense. i want more lo and an El Camino. i want a dog too, that’s what im striving for, a dog that will stick by my side and be loyal to me as i will be to it.
i ran this idea by my boy today and he just looked at me, later he said he thinks it would be good for me. i don’t want another girlfriend, i don’t want another love interest i don’t want another crush. ill leave that for the guy thats down for the chase.
August 20th, 2012 i said something to myself that i think of daily ” maybe you’re just not boyfriend material G” and everyday i believe that more and more. i know im a good person and a great friend but i think thats where the buck stops with me. every girlfriend ive had has left me, even the woman i brought into my world as a queen left. that solidified it for me, never do i chose to go through that again. i know i didn’t ” do what i promised” and to that i say im not dead yet.but none of it matters now, now im Chris Perez. period. no counter part no partner in crime no better half no significant other. i stand in this world now the same way i am going to die… alone. its a familiar feeling though ive been alone my whole life. my brothers were out the house since i can recall, my father in jail or running around and moms was always working. i was left to fend for myself and that i did. for 5 years 3 months and a day i wasn’t alone. i had someone that would make this fucked up world worth living in. now that is gone and i am back at step one. it is time to rebuild the very foundation that I destroyed trying to please another being. it wont be easy, not for a long shot but i have to at least try for the sake of me. i have to fall back in love with design and art, god how i miss it. even that had left me,and working 2 full time jobs doesn’t help it any.
any way, this was just me rambling for a few. please take care.
Life.
I allow myself all the material things I want because I deny myself the one thing I desire most.
Lone wolf.
The pack left. It just me now. It always will be. I don’t need no one in my pack. Just me. I hunt my own food and fix my own problems. I help those who need it and seek nothing in return. I am a lone wolf and I’d have it no other way.
